I was cat-sitting for my very grown-up friend at her fourteenth floor apartment in Little Italy recently, and I wandered out to find food, because alas, I had brought none. Turns out there’s not much around there if you don’t want to sit down. I walked past steaming bowls of spaghetti and into dark family-run markets with a thousand different kinds of pasta, until I came across this juice place.
The guys behind the counter were wearing tweed trilby hats with ribbons around their brims. (…) The storefront faced east, and with the rising sun, it was hot in there. I picked up a box of dried mangoes – two of them – and was horrified. They were $7. They said “San Diego Local” on the back, and at that price, I assume the mango tree was out back. A brunette emerged through silver swinging doors, wearing a large suede floppy hat. There were sweat circles at her armpits. I walked out onto the street. Glanced at the sign. Juice Crafters. Not Coachella. So I couldn’t with the hats. Or the LA prices. But my cinnamon-date-almond-milk-vanilla smoothie was like rainbows and butterflies dipped in Ryan Gosling-sauce.
It’s like magic. I sit down at lunch, and a seagull materializes in front of me. I hope none of my co-workers’ windows look over where I sit, because I’ve chased the seagulls away before, and when a grown woman does it, it definitely looks ridiculous.
3. The Judgmental Bank Teller
She’s drumming her long acrylic nails on the counter, while I scan the insides of Wells Fargo for anything to look at besides her. “Did you want to make a credit card payment today?” she says, with a faint smile. A vibe dripping in schadenfreude.
Talking to a stranger about your finances is vulnerable. It’s as vulnerable as putting your feet in stirrups when there are puppies pinned to the ceiling… Sorry, pictures** of puppies pinned to the ceiling. You’re entrusting a stranger with a private part of your life because you have to. Not because you want to. Because you have to. And they should not abuse that power. Priests. Gynecologists. Bank tellers. The little people who man my Google search engine on the inside of my computer. They should be as neutral as judges. And it’s really unfortunate when they’re not.
4. The “I’m a Guy From Southern California” Thing
Dude, I like, totally don’t want to harsh your mellow, but… I am like, so tired of the SoCal male dress code, that I could like, burn the Vans headquarters to the ground (**not a real threat).
I went to a bar in Seattle with my sister once, and I felt very disoriented. Like Dorothy in Oz, I’d wandered into a strange, strange land. A land where the men’s voices had pitches and extreme sports weren’t the center of life. Dreads, and bifocals, and intellect – oh my! There was a guy with a mustache (and it wasn’t Movember). I overhead a group talking about the news. And when it was last call, and I didn’t hear something to the effect of “Dude, let’s go get a bomb-ass Cali burrito,” I really knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
5. Estheticians who ask you if you’re “Just getting your brows done today”
They’re hinting you need a lip wax.
Five Things I Love Lately
1. Becoming Cooler as you Get Older
I read something recently that said teenagers should stop trying so hard to be cool, because they won’t actually be cool until their late twenties. I think no truer words have ever been said. Because while I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing sometimes, my happy hours are infinitely better with infinitely better company. I know myself more. My plans are bigger. My weekends are more fun. Let’s raise a glass to our late twenties/early thirties. These years are gold.
2. Broad City
In one episode, a very aggressive social worker corrals the two main characters onto a sidewalk in New York and tells them that the amount of money they spend on weed in a week, “could buy an Icelandic kid a liver.”
3. Taylor Swift
Don’t judge me.
4. My Roommate
Thanks for not killing me when we went rock climbing, and wanting to bail on the Tijuana waterpark at the same time I did.
5. Chia Seeds
Though I have absolutely no idea what they do to benefit my health (does anyone).
Hope you’re having a great week! Xx