“Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This”

Image

I think I’ve finally learned: vacationing in Colorado is comparable to shooting an arrow through my Achilles heel.  I mean this figuratively, but since I tore my actual Achilles this weekend, the metaphor seems pretty apropos.  

 

Against medical advice, I’ll probably cut off my cast tonight, take a long bath, do some damage control on my bank account, and try to piece my life back together.  But right now, you can call me Eeyore, because I gots some serious rain clouds.  Call me Debbie Downer.  Somebody call the Whambulance.  I just got back from a beautiful ranch in Aspen with my best friends, and  I’m feeling sorry for myself.  

 

This is a happiness project, I haven’t forgotten that.  But for this project to be successful, it has to make me a better, happier person, and I can’t just do it for other people.  I could sugar coat it all, and say I had a perfect time in Aspen.  I would be lying, but that would probably make people a lot happier.  

 

Right now, I’m not fucking happy.  Right now, I’m having a giant pity party.   

 

As of late, being in Boulder has been like ripping off ten bandaids I totally forgot about.  Each time I visit, the streets remind me of how much everything has changed.  I am no longer my group of guys friends’ surrogate little sister.  I’m a college memory.  When I retrace my steps on Pearl Street, or on campus, I find that my eighteen-year old naivete is harder to grasp, time seems more slippery, and the college students look even younger.        

 

In these moments, I silently hope that my old friends are proud of me.  Despite myself, I love them still.  It’s too hard for me to accept the fact that my friends aren’t the people I knew.  It’s hard for me to accept that we can’t be friends with each other in the same way.  

 

Which brings me to now, a few hours off the plane from Denver.  Today, my Mom declined to pick me up at the airport, opting to go gamble at the casino instead.  Today, I had to ask people I really didn’t want to ask, to do basic things for me, like carry my bags.  Today, I tried to keep a positive attitude, but inevitably thought of all the inconveniences this injury could bring.  What about work?…

 

On days like today, when I haven’t showered in two days and I wore my makeup to sleep…  On a day like today, when I’m dragging around a severed ankle bound in a splint, and am shouldering some hefty unexpected medical bills…  On a day like today, when my sisters are mad at me, and my Dad tells me I can’t sleep at my apartment because something is wrong with the water…  When I’ve been toothpaste thumbing it for two days, and have atrocious post-partying morning breath still… When I am nursing a hangover of unanswered text messages to college friends…  

 

On days like today, I just want someone to trace his fingers on my back and tell me he loves me.  And if I wanted to be sad, he would let me be sad.  If I wanted to cry about being immobile again and feeling unsure about things, he would just hug me close and reassure me with his words.  He would tell me I was beautiful, perfect, and doing a great job.  I’m not saying I need this, but sometimes, don’t you just want someone there?  Isn’t it natural, at least, sometimes?    

 

My friend told someone once, that where guys were concerned, I was a “free spirit.”  Not in a promiscuous way, rather in a “I don’t give a fuck about guys” way.  Well,  sometimes, I just want someone to care about me that way.  

 

And sometimes I don’t.  But on days like today, I’m tired of hoping that some day, someone will look at me that way again.  On days like today, I’m tired of thinking too much.  I’m tired of hurting over people.     

 

Talk to me tomorrow.  I’ll be all rainbows and butterflies, promise.  But today, for no momentous reason, today let me be sad. 

 
Advertisements

8 thoughts on ““Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This”

  1. Wow! Hmmm…it is too easy to say it will get better, I know how you are feeling, and all the other things we say to make someone feel better. Sorry that the trip ended in pain, but what you experience there otherwise was another lesson in life. Things never remain the same. They will always change, which is part of our growth as humans, and the recognition of our own spiritual journey.
    Continue to put out into the universe you positive thoughts, wishes, desires, and open up your heart to let that caring person you seek enter. It will happen.
    Believe in the power of your thoughts. They are energy and carry enormous vibrations that can attract what you are looking for and deserve.

    • Amazing comment, thank you for sharing. There’s so much wisdom in what you said. I agree with you, there’s power behind our thoughts. Sometimes I forget, but practice makes perfect, right?

      • Yes, you are correct, practice makes perfect. Don’t worry about having a bad day. We all do. Heck, accidents happen to us and it makes us sad. The universe understands and expects set-backs in our behavior. Instead practice creating in your mind’s eye life you want, imagine big, and wham, it WILL happen. Love ya.

  2. At some point down the line, you’ll be talking to a post college kid who just went through the same thing.
    And you’ll smile gently, so they don’t feel mocked, because you know exactly what they mean, and share the story.
    And then you’ll share the next story. and you,the kid, and your significant other wiill laugh your heads off and it’ll be a pretty good night.

    Hang in there. This will pass and leave you a little older, a little wiser, and a little mre ready for the next thing.
    Until then, we’ve got your back.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s